From Eco-Noob to Green Guru: My Comically Sustainable Journey

Greetings, eco-curious comrades! As we gear up to celebrate another World Environment Day, I find myself reminiscing about the not-so-distant past when my idea of “going green” was choosing the salad over the fries. But times have changed, and now I’m on a mission to make Mother Nature proud, one recycled bottle at a time. Join me as I recount the highs, the lows, and the downright laughable moments of my journey from newbie to nuanced.

And if you’ve decided to embark on a journey to a more sustainable lifestyle, that’s fantastic! Whether you’re here because you genuinely love the planet or because you heard it’s the latest Instagram trend, you’re in the right place. Believe me when I say that even if we once thought “carbon footprint” was a dance move, a low impact sustainable lifestyle is easier to achieve than you thought. And to see you through this noble intention, I’m here to share my hilariously awkward yet enlightening path to becoming an eco-warrior. Spoiler alert: if I can do it, anyone can!

1. The Great Plastic Purge

It all started with a documentary and a guilty conscience. The former showed me the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, and the latter made me realize that my plastic consumption could probably fill a small swimming pool. With over 300 million tons of plastic produced every year, and less than 10% of it getting recycled, I knew it was time for a change. This resolve was further reinforced when I opened my pantry for a snack and found a convention of Tupperware and other plastic entities. Armed with a righteous sense of duty (and a mild hangover), I declared war on single-use plastics. My first attempt at grocery shopping with reusable bags was akin to a slapstick comedy routine straight out of Joey Tribiani’s book. I left the bags in the car, dropped my produce, and accidentally bought something called “nutritional yeast” because it sounded healthy. Thank heavens for my vegan mates who were able to enlighten me on its uses (and benefits). To this day, I’m wary of buying something I haven’t heard of without consulting my ever growing network of vegan friends and of course Google. 

2. Composting Catastrophe

Next up, let’s talk composting. Did you know that if food waste were a country, it would be the third-largest emitter of greenhouse gases? With that fun fact haunting my dreams, I decided to start composting. Easy, right? Just throw some food scraps in a bin and let nature do its thing. Haunting nightmares banished, I began to dream of the magic of banana peels and coffee grounds turning into rich soil for the garden. Plus, the worms? How can you not love the little wigglies who throw a compost party every night. BYOB (Bring Your Own Banana peels)Well, my happy dreams were short lived though, as my compost bin quickly turned into a fruit fly nightclub and a mosquito maternity ward rolled into one. My kitchen became a scene from a horror movie, with tiny winged monsters attacking anyone who dared to make a sandwich.

**Pro Tip:** Balance your greens and browns in the compost bin (sounds like a weird diet plan, I know). Also, a lid is your best friend. Keep the bin in the open air, a balcony or even a window will do quite nicely and don’t forget to drill some holes for ventilation. Worms need to breathe too, you know. Trust me, unless you’re planning a fruit fly sanctuary, or a fungus five star resort, you’ll thank me later.

3. The Reusables Revolution

Then came the reusable straw saga. A simple switch, they said. Save the turtles, they said. What they didn’t say was how wielding a metal straw in public would make you look like you’re prepping for a jousting tournament. I’ve received a range of reactions from bartenders, from admiration to confusion to a look that says, “Please don’t unsheathe your straw-sword at my bar.” My relief when most bars in my area switched to paper straws was unparalleled and in the off chance that there’s a plastic straw, I simply decline and drink straight from the glass! Lady-like much?? Then again, for someone who enjoys chugging a pint from the bottle, who’s judging?! On my part, straw or no straw, between my repurposed glass water bottles, ceramic coffee mugs and cloth napkins I have collected enough reusables to start a family (or a family drama- true Bollywood style!) 

**Pro Tip:** Always carry a tiny brush to clean your straws. Or embrace the flavor roulette and call it a “surprise smoothie.” Better yet, invest in two straws so you can wash the used one and replace the one in your bag. Or you could the spend the better part of 50 first dates cleaning your reusable straw at the table and stay single forever…. The choice is yours. Of course, its the best when bars and restaurants offer you drinks their very own stainless steel straw embellishments, but those are few and far between yet. Until the trend catches, one can dream of the perfect world am I right? 

4. Thrifting: The Ultimate Treasure Hunt

With the fashion industry contributing to 10% of humanity’s carbon emissions, I decided to make a change, starting with my wardrobe. First step- thrifting – the art of finding someone else’s “trash” and turning it into your “treasure.” In reality, it’s more like a treasure hunt where the prize is clothes that smell like your grandma’s attic. Next on the list- “slow” fashion brands. All I gained was a jacket that took two months to arrive, and as fabulous as it looked on the model, came with shoulder pads that could double as personal flotation devices. Just as well, because I got the size wrong and literally ended up drowning in it. Since then, I’ve decided to simply buy less and invest in brands that make clothes to last forever. Having a daughter who I can hand them down to definitely helps. Who knew having kids had hidden benefits!

**Pro Tip:** Go thrifting with friends who have a keen eye for fashion. They’ll help you avoid looking like a time traveler who got their decades mixed up. Make sure that online brands have a return policy if you get the size wrong. If all else fails, its always useful to have an ally in the form of a tailor at a neighbourhood shop, or sometimes the old aunt with a rarely used sewing machine. In my case I will soon turn into the old aunt, all I need is my trusty machine, but that is a story for another day.   

5. Plant Parenthood

In my quest to offset my carbon footprint, I decided I wanted to turn my home into a botanical oasis. Houseplants can absorb harmful toxins, and they’re the perfect companions for your sustainable lifestyle. My first plant, Sir Wiltington, taught me that “tough love” doesn’t apply to flora. Several attempts (and plant funerals) later, I now have a thriving balcony jungle that would make Tarzan want to change his zip code. I’ve also since progressed to growing fruit trees from seed and vegetables from offcuts and my latest potato crop waits patiently to be harvested as I speak. I do need my daily plant affirmations before every watering session though, and in case you’re a poor judge of requirement too, it would be useful to remind yourself that plants are a bit like Goldilocks, just with more chlorophyll. Not too much not too little. And if you don’t get it right, they’ll just wilt dramatically until you notice. No pressure. 

**Pro Tip:** Start with resilient plants like succulents or snake plants. They’re forgiving, unlike that fiddle leaf fig that demands a sacrifice to stay alive. And very importantly, DON’T FORGET THE HOLES! Good Drainage is more important to growing healthy plants than you’d imagine. Believe me when I say I’ve lost more plants to over watering than a lack thereof, and learned the hard way that drainage holes are truly a plant’s best friends. Much like animals I suppose? 

6. Energy Efficiency Extravaganza

In my ignorant youth, I’d leave lights on like I was trying to signal aliens. But did you know that residential energy use accounts for around 11% of global greenhouse gas emissions? And this while one out of every 10 people don’t have access to electricity too! Since discovering these depressing facts, I’ve become a turn-off-the-lights ninja and an LED bulb aficionado. My electricity bill is lower, and I like to think the aliens appreciate the reduced light pollution, as did the baby turtles who ended up in the ocean instead of the beach shack.  I also discovered solar panels, the ultimate sunbathers. While we are busy slathering on SPF 50, these guys are soaking up rays and turning them into electricity. Talk about a productive tanning session! Plus, they don’t need beach towels or snacks—just a sunny spot on your roof, balcony, window or porch and they’re good to go. 

**Pro Tip:** Unplug devices when they’re not in use. Vampire power is real, and it’s sucking your wallet dry. Another useful energy (and money) saving investment is smart appliances; smart phones really did end up having more uses other than to have an adolescent human permanently attached to them. I have to admit that the sheer number of smart appliances available today, for everything including lighting up or cooling your room, doing the dishes and even the laundry makes me feel ever so slightly less smug about my own intelligence. 

7. Water Conservation Chronicles

Water might cover 71% of Earth’s surface, but only 0.5% is available fresh water. I almost choked on my sip of fresh cool UV filtered water when I first heard that. Since, I’ve tried to embrace shorter showers – though my rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody now feels rushed – and installed low-flow fixtures. Drainage holes notwithstanding I’m now aspiring to transforming my balcony garden into a xeriscape wonderland. The first step as soon as I figure out the logistics is going to be repurposing the waste water pipe from the air conditioning unit into a drip irrigation system for my ever thirsty avocado and orange trees. I promise to report how that goes if you promise not to try it without expert help. 

**Pro Tip:** Collect the cold water while waiting for the shower to heat up in a bucket and use it to water plants or soak exceptionally dirty laundry (I’m looking at your socks, gym queen!). Your plants and future self will thank you. Don’t run a laundry cycle for just a few clothes, instead keep them in the machine as more accumulate in your laundry hamper and then wash them when its a full load. Not only will you end up wearing the back benchers from your closet, but your favourite clothes will last longer from not being worn washed and repeated too often. Use the same trick for your dirty dishes and you will have made the dolphins an even happier species. 

8. The Meatless Movement

I never thought I could give up bacon, but with livestock farming contributing to 14.5% of global emissions, I decided to join the Meatless Monday movement. It turns out there’s a whole world of delicious plant-based foods out there, and my taste buds are thrilled at befriending the fruit and veggies that literally rule the plant kingdom. I was especially glad to find a whole bunch of seeds, nuts, legumes from humble peas and mung beans to the “hummus in the raw” chickpeas that can contribute to your daily protein requirements without  breaking the bank or killing any animals. For just a moment there I did wonder if a farmer who died of heatstroke while harvesting said chickpeas counts, but quickly told myself that doesn’t happen, or… does it?  

I am, however, happy to report that I have now turned into a pro nutritionist and cook several meat free meals a week, that, may I add, my family enjoys too! And no, I don’t have them at gunpoint during mealtimes. 

**Pro Tip:** Start small with one meatless meal a week. Before you know it, you’ll be a tofu-touting, lentil-loving, veggie virtuoso. Find quick and easy recipes for salads that incorporate plant based protein and you’ll be relieved at how much easier it is to feed a fussy family who run from soy nuggets like they’re brain mushing zombies. 

In conclusion, adopting a sustainable lifestyle can be a comedy of errors, but it’s totally worth it. Each small step makes a big difference, and who knows? You might even enjoy the process. Just remember to laugh at your mistakes and keep going. After all, saving the planet should be fun, right?

And whether Earth Day or World Environment Day, let’s remember that every day is an opportunity to make a positive impact. From the plastic purge to plant parenting, our choices have the power to shape a greener, more sustainable future. And these choices are what turn into habits that will take us and our future generations into a much healthier life and a healthy planet.  So let’s raise our reusable cups (and straws) to a journey filled with growth, giggles, and the occasional eco-friendly gaffe. Because when it comes to protecting our planet, we’re all in this together – one hilariously sustainable step at a time.

Stay green and stay fabulous! 🌿✨

Yours sustainably,

team Green Pistachio

P.S. If anyone knows how to keep a fiddle leaf fig alive, please send help. And if you’re looking for a sign to start your own sustainable journey, this is it. Go forth and conquer, eco-warriors